During the last week of June, my youngest aunt, passed away at the age of 45.
She had been struggling with cancer and moved into my grandma's place for the last month.
Even though we knew that she was going to die, we were devastated by her death.
She was an objective, positive, friendly, wise beyond her years woman, who was always there whenever her family or friends needed her. Her advice and words gave us encouragement and hope.
She was one of pillars holding our family up. Despite her age, her elder siblings and even her mom (my grandma) would seek help and confide in her.
During her final month with us, I saw how the disease had overwhelmed her.
The once cheery and loud woman, became quiet, depressed and scared of her impending death. For the first time, I saw the once strong woman breakdown and cried.
She struggled with breathing, eating and barely slept. She needed a portable oxygen tank by her side and was in a wheelchair most of the time.
Her memories, both short and long-term started to fail her. She got even skinnier, resembling a skeleton.
The day before her death, I had told her that I am buying a car next week, and that I could ferry her around then. Secretly, I was urging her to keep on living.
The next day, I left in the morning for my flight. When I came back in the late afternoon, I switched on my phone and received a message from my cousin, that my aunt passed away.
I rushed to the mortuary at Singapore General Hospital to see her briefly, before the undertaker sent her to the parlour. My grandmother broke down and cried profusely.
A few hours later, the body was sent to the actual funeral site. I looked at her and thought to myself, "So this is death?"
No words of advice came out from her closely-shut mouth, as she laid there peacefully.
The auntie who I was just talking to a day ago, is now stone-cold, sleeping eternally.
I couldn't come to terms with her death. I still can't.
In the middle of the night, tears flowed as I tossed in my bed. I texted my mom, like a little child, asking her,"Why does she have to die? Why does someone so dear to us left so soon? She's our pillar and she always supported, helped and loved us. It's not fair! Why?"
My usual aloof, lazy and ignorant mom, surprised me, by replying: "It's a phase we all will go through. We are like a small boat, sailing the stormy sea and choppy waves, against the strong wind. Your aunt just docked at the harbour sooner than us. It's also a kind of release for her (cancer). I told your aunt before that we had our good times, our fun and our happy times. Life shouldn't be full of regrets.
You don't have to be sad, cause she knows that you're a good kid. Be a happy person and let her pass on in peace."
It's not the first time, I had a death in the family; however it is the first time that someone so close and dear to me, is gone.
From her death, I realised that it doesn't matter how good or bad one had been. Everything comes to nothingness once you pass on. People forget things easily. Life goes on.
The once popular aunt, with plenty of acquaintance and friends, had a very quiet funeral. Many of those 'friends' did not show up.
I am glad she was not alive to find out that her generosity went to waste.
June was a terrible month for me, but I pulled through with the help of my circle of very good friends. They were there physically and emotionally for me through these ordeals, and I thank them from the bottom of my hearts. In a way, I am more fortunate than my aunt.
Many have asked me about how do I feel, and I always give the same answer, "Empty".
I am drained and the heavy lid in my heart makes it hard to fill up on happy emotions.
Hopefully, Time would really be able to heal me.
____________________________________________________________
P.S. I do apologise for my poor writing. I really cannot focus when I write about my aunt. My heart feels heavy and tears still continue to well up in my eyes.
No comments:
Post a Comment