Topsy Turvy June- part 1

I have been wanting to write sooner, after my exams in May.

Unfortunately, June was a life-changing month for me. Numerous things happened, keeping me busy and I am still trying to catch my breath.

Firstly, some of you may have gotten the news already, I am going through divorce with my wife.

Nothing dramatic here, no violent arguments, no private eye catching me red-handed, no deaths, nothing cynical and no bitterness. Just a quiet and smooth affair.

I did see it coming, but I naively thought that things would work out if we started staying together.
Ironically, we broke up just a few days before I got the keys to our flat.

We decided that both of us weren't compatible with each other; which made it a struggle everyday.

Differing opinions, priorities and mindset. Communication breakdown, distorted perceptions and unrealistic expectations. Fundamental issues really.

I did not ask to a 2nd chance because I know things will be the same even after we patched things up. I couldn't bear watching our relationship being disintegrated like this.


I truly understand the meaning of 'It takes 2 to clap'.

Frankly speaking, I felt a sense of relief, a weight off my shoulder. At the same time, I am going through a sense of loneliness and emptiness that I never felt before, even I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. As time goes by, the dispair becomes heavier and I feel even more disconnected from the world.

Even with all the condolences, the constant checking in from very close friends (which I am very grateful of), I feel my soul drifting away from my body....

I moved into our matrimonial home, because I felt it was a waste to leave it empty, after all the fighting, haggling, searching and paying.

It is my 'cave', a place where I can run away. It forces me to grow up quickly and face the world alone.

Retail therapy has been keeping me occupied; buying household items, furniture, appliances. Moving house, cleaning, moping, vacuuming, washing, all took my time away from pondering about the past.

I am just waiting for my school term to start, so that I would have no time at all to mope and be depressed.

But who am I kidding?

All that being said, there is no one better to break me than my wife. I am quite fortunate really.

Others would want alimony, demand money and break my heart even more. Not her.

Now that I have also failed where my parents have failed, it is safe to stay away from marriage and not underestimate it at all.

Consider it a hiatus, a sabbatical, or long leave.

The "Gone fishing!" sign would hang on my heart for a long time...